Ruminations on a Means to a Beginning

It is certainly way too late for me to even consider being awake right now; however, as has been my wont this week, I can't seem to succumb to slumber. But these hours of lying hopelessly awake in bed have allowed me time to meditate and ponder the gravity of marriage and the seemingly whimsical fantasy of weddings.

In the last two days I have actually enjoyed looking up wedding ideas and decorations. Perhaps this is due in most part to Pinterest: a wonderful website that is akin to pinning magazine clippings of things you like to cork boards. To see my page or follow me, click here.

I devoted my last post to chronicle my bizarre dreams as of late. Unfortunately, they have not yet abated; however, the subject matter is becoming slightly more comical during my waking moments (which seem to be ever more frequent). Clearly most of my dreams are borne of anxiety, and Dad was right in saying that I should focus more on the marriage rather than the wedding itself (for the wedding is only a means to... a beginning). And so I have a few thoughts on both subjects...

It is extremely difficult for me to imagine what married life will be like. This seems a bit absurd to my mind because it's not like I don't know people who are married. In fact, many of my favorite people in the world are married (like my parents-- both sets!). But it still stands that I can't imagine it. I am sure that my lack of imagination stems from my preference to live in the "now" (à la Eckhart Tolle). And I love to imagine what life will be like when it is time to bring children into the world (driving a VW Passat station wagon in navy blue!). But the question remains in my mind: what is it going to be like? Marriage is promising to love your spouse through everything that life throws at you. No matter what. In good times and in bad. In sickness and in health. For richer, for poorer. We've heard it hundreds, maybe thousands of times in real life, in movies, at church. But the wedding industry, the bridal industry does not focus on this at all.

Instead, much of what gets thrown at the hapless bride as soon as she accepts her compressed carbon rock from her belovéd is not advice on how to love and serve her one-and-only 'til death do them part; but rather, advice on table decorations, flowers, bouquets, color schemes, themes, photo booths, where to register for the best gifts, DIY everything from your pomanders to your wedding gown, and the list goes on and on and on and on. . .

You get my point.

Actually, I haven't even gotten to my point, which is this: the reason there is even such a thing that exists as the wedding industry is because the wedding is concrete. It's something for which we can actually have a vision, unlike marriage, which is something that only time can imagine or tell. I realized tonight that I very much prefer to imagine what it will be like to walk down the aisle (as it may be) and see Joey's face when he sees me in my dress for the first time; or to picture how beautiful all of my friends and lovely sister will be in their dresses; to hear the prelude music wafting over the front lawn as the bridal party assembles. I don't prefer these things necessarily because I look forward to the event itself (but I am looking forward to it); instead, it is because these are concrete things that I can actually influence and have direct control over-- so long as my belovéd agrees as well.

Marriage, on the other hand, I cannot control, although through my actions I may influence its health. This is not a bad thing at all, but, in fact, a very good thing. Marriage is the next great adventure; and there is no one else with whom I would rather embark upon this journey than Joey.